When We See Injustice

Social media is a very angry place right now. Even among Christians.

And I’m not talking about the righteous anger over the murder of George Floyd, and the injustices of systemic racism, or racial profiling. I’m talking about how ready people are to condemn, mock, ridicule, lash out at, and pick apart anything that differs from how they feel a situation should be viewed and responded to. It’s been like that this week, it’s been like that all through the pandemic, and in many other preceding current events. As a result, I’m wary of putting more words out there, since somebody somewhere will be offended and think I should have said something different or said nothing at all. All I can do is ask anyone who happens to be reading to take this blog post at face value; to not read between the lines of what I did or didn’t say, or isolate one sentence and pounce on it. I write this only in the hope that it might be helpful to someone, so feel free to take or leave it.

Here goes.

We live in a broken world that is full of injustice: systemic racisim, sex trafficking, refugees displaced by political fighting, corruption resulting in abuse in orphanages, and that’s not even scratching the surface. It’s real. It’s tragic. It results in the unimaginable suffering of people made in the image of God. It’s an affront to all that God says is good. But here’s the thing- we simply don’t have the capacity to feel the weight of all injustice everywhere all the time. God didn’t make us that way. “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.... A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4 NLT) God doesn’t have us all on the same timeline.

Right now, we have been made uniquely aware of one specific area of injustice, and given the opportunity to respond in some way. We should all be willing to see injustice for what it is, to have the humility to listen well, to have our perspectives challenged and to repent as we see where our actions and attitudes have been wrong. We should be bothered, to say the very least. However, we are not all called to respond in the exact same way. Right now, God is calling some to step up and act to combat this injustic in specific ways. For others, their call to action may lie elsewhere. Some might be in a season of life in which they’re just trying to keep their head above the water and aren’t able to do much else. Some of us wear our heart on our sleeve, while others feel deeply but don’t express it as well. Ultimately, our aim shouldn’t be to satisfy people in the way we respond. That would be impossible anyway, given the vast array of often conflicting opinions on that point. We are responsible to seek God and ask Him for guidance in what He would have us do. We are called to reflect Christ and to be His hands and feet, but that won’t look exactly the same for each person.

For those who are genuinely grieved by what is happening, but are wrestling with how you ought to be responding, let me encourage you to look to God, rather than the myriad of voices on social media, as your Guide. Perfect love and perfect justice are found in Him. He has good works specifically prepared for each of us (Ephesians 2:10). Come to Him, asking, “What do you want me to do?” Listen and learn, seek the wisdom of those He has placed in your life, obey as He leads, and then rest in Him. Someone out there will still likely feel you should be doing something else, but He is the one we are called to please.

For those who are feeling deeply and passionately moved, by all means, speak out, take action, and challenge those around you to see beyond their own perspective. But resist the urge to assume you know how another individual ought to be responding, or to condemn them for not exhibiting the same level of passion you feel. However just our cause, however right our passion, at the end of the day, we aren’t God. Only He knows the heart of another, and only He knows His intention for each of His followers at any given time. He refers to His people as a Body for a reason- we don’t all have the same role to play.

For all of us who are believers, may whatever we do and say be with the ultimate aim of seeing those who are made in the image of God be brought from spiritual darkness to the life that is found only in Christ. Let our deepest prayer be, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”

The End of the Story

     Right now I'm in the middle of reading The Remnant trilogy (which I highly recommend). I love good stories, and this is definitely a good story- the kind where I'm anxious to keep reading to find out what's going to happen, but at the same time I don't want to read to fast because I know I'll be sad when it's over.

     I've also been reading through Daniel during my daily Bible study. For me, it's a familiar book, but this time through I've been noticing different themes than I have in the past. Through the stories of Daniel and his friends, Nebuchadnezzar's dreams, and Daniel's visions, there is a repeated emphasis on human kingdoms vs. God's kingdom. Mighty rulers and nations come and go. They may exercise great power for a time, but their rule is temporary, and God is sovereign over their rise and fall. By contrast, "[God's] dominion is an everlasting dominion, which shall not pass away, and his kingdom one that shall not be destroyed." (Daniel 7:14b)

     I once knew someone who used to start any book by reading the last chapter first. That's definitely not my preference; I like stories that keep me guessing, but to each their own! I suppose reading that way does have its advantages though. No matter what difficulties the characters may find themselves in (assuming the book ends happily), you can relax. You may not know HOW he'll get the girl... how they'll find their way home... how the bad guy will be defeated... but you know everything will be alright in the end.

     While that may not be my preferred method of book reading, I'm struck by the reality that that's what life is like for us as believers.  Every day the news is full of more crazy headlines. What's going to happen? We just don't know. Our lives are full of global, national, and personal uncertainties that are often the cause of anxiety or fear. But in the midst of all that seems uncertain, God is sovereign. Nothing is outside His control, and we look forward with confidence to the day when His kingdom will be established, and we will be with Him forever. We may not know the middle of the story, but we can face unknowns with courage and hope because we already know the ending!

That Girl on the Phone

A good friend of mine works for the facilities department at the seminary Zack attends. If you live in student housing and call with a complaint, she's likely the person you'll talk to. Often when she and I catch up, she has some new story about a conversation or encounter with a tenant (names never included!) The level of jerkiness blows my mind. Sometimes the complaints are valid; at other times, ridiculous, but what gets me is how impatient and downright nasty people can be. I suppose that's life in customer service, but still, this is a seminary. The people calling are here studying to be pastors, missionaries, and counselors. You'd think things would be different than in some generic apartment complex.

I'm not saying that Christians are perfect. We're not. That's why we need Jesus (but that's another post for another time...). We are called to represent Christ though.2 Corinthians 5:20 says "Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God." We are ambassadors by identity. The only question is, will we be good ambassadors? We may try to emulate Jesus in our interactions with our family, neighbors, church friends, etc, but what about the people we encounter only briefly in our daily lives? My friend at facilities is a person with feelings; with good days and bad days. Like me, she's a student's wife, and the mother of a sweet baby about the age of my own. But for those calling with a maintenance issue, she is often merely "that girl on the phone," there to be complained at; to bear the brunt of their frustration and displeasure. Christlike behavior is often the last thing she receives.

Here's something to think about: What if, after your interaction with the server who messed up your order, the shopper who stepped ahead of you in line, or the customer service person helping you navigate your problem, you had the chance to share the gospel with them? Would they be open to listening, or would they be instantly turned off based on your attitude toward them moments before?

 How do we represent Christ? If we are Christians, we are Christians always. We don't get a pass just because the voice on the phone doesn't know who we are.

An Outside Perspective Pt. 3: Faith in the Midst of Chronic Illness

"In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." ~ Jesus (John 16:33b)

     I'm blessed to live in a community in which people pray for each other. "I'm praying for you" is often heard, and, I trust, meant. "How are your mom and brother? Please tell them I'm praying for them." I pray too. But what happens when answers tarry, or maybe never come the way we hoped they would? What happens when, after years, things just get worse instead of better? Living with chronic illness is a wearying road (and it's not a sin to be weary!!)

     It is hard to persevere in praying with faith knowing that God can heal, yet still finding peace in His sovereign goodness, saying "Thy will be done." It's easy to lean toward one extreme or the other, either "claiming healing in Jesus' Name" and then being hurt and disillusioned when healing doesn't come, or just giving up on praying about it at all, giving in to despair. But the reality is, we are never promised healing. On the contrary, in Scripture we are promised repeatedly that life will, in some way, shape, or form, be hard. What we are promised is that we can have hope, peace, and joy even in the midst of suffering. In Christ, we are more than conquerors no matter what suffering we may be facing, and we know that nothing can separate us from His love. (I'm resisting the urge to quote all of Romans 8:16-39 here, but please, pause and read it. It's so good).

     As Christians, our hope is not ultimately in this life. Even one freed from the bondage of chronic illness still dwells in a mortal body which will eventually wear out and meet death. Praise God, because of Jesus and His atoning sacrifice, we have a "living hope" (1 Peter 1:3), a certain hope of eternity with God where we will never again know sadness, pain, or suffering. Whatever this life may hold until then, we can have hope for that reason. That is why we can rejoice.

     So in praying for a friend with chronic illness, yes, by all means pray that God will heal them! We serve a mighty God for whom nothing is impossible, who loves and cares for His children, and we hope that someday He may choose to heal. But pray especially that God will uphold them in the midst of trial. Pray that He will sustain their faith, give them hope, joy, and strength to meet each day. Pray that He will comfort and encourage them with His promises. And don't ever stop praying.

     I tried to capture all this in a poem I wrote for my Mom some time ago, inspired by Romans 8, and I will use it as a conclusion to this series of posts. Whether you are facing chronic illness or trial of any kind, I pray it is a blessing to you.

"Healing"

Few can see, and fewer grasp
The nature of this road,
A way of hidden suff'ring
On which many tears are sown.

Healing an elusive dream
And pain a steady friend
Imparting weariness to days
Which drag on without end.

This isolating illness
With no promise of a cure
Casts shadows of discouragement
Oppressive to endure.

A God of love, unbroken pain,
How are these reconciled?
How can a Father give with love
This thorn to His own child?

These concepts do not contradict
Though I afflicted be,
For I'm co-heir with Jesus,
And He suffered for me.

Oh, pity me, all who look on,
If all that I possess
Is uncertain chance of healing
And hope of earthly rest.

Yet, God be praised! That is not so.
One day this ache will lift.
A hope unseen, but certain hope
Is mine because He lives.

An eternal weight of glory waits-
The glory of His reign.
Not even worth comparing
With this passing, transient pain.

This troubled path is leading home.
One day I'll reach that place,
And there be healed forever
When at last I see His face. 

An Outside Perspective Pt. 2: Responding to Chronic Illness

"If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that?" James 2:15-16

     In my last post, I wrote about chronic illness, and how we who do not struggle with it can better understand what life is like for those who do. Hopefully that was helpful, but simply being more aware and maybe feeling sad about it isn't going to accomplish much when all is said and done. Increased compassion for the hurting is good, and it should lead us to the obvious question: "So what can I do?" I was reading Romans 12 several days ago, a passage which is full of practical guidance for how we ought to live as God's people. Several points are, I think, particularly applicable here.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Romans 12:15
     This doesn't mean, of course, that we should feel guilty when we feel happy, since other people are sad. What it does mean is that, within the Body of Christ, we ought to walk closely enough that when our brother or sister is joyful or suffering, we are affected by it. We experience it with them. Chronic illness makes this difficult because, as I mentioned before, it is so isolating. In the normal course of life, friendships often fade as we see people less, and new ones develop. That's fine, but chronic illness is a bit different. Those who suffer with it are often forced to step back from most, or even all social circles. Life goes on for everyone else, and it begins to seem that everyone has forgotten them.

       "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." (Proverbs 17:17) True friendship is proven in times of trial, not shattered or frustrated by it. If someone you know is chronically ill, be intentional about reaching out to them. Let them know that you you are thinking about and praying for them. Keep on being there for them, even when they can't be there for you. If they have to drop a coffee date because they just feel too bad to go out, rather than feeling that you've been ditched, realize how disappointed they must be to miss one more thing they were looking forward to, take some time to pray for them or write them an encouraging note, and make it a point to try again soon. Text or call and ask how they are doing, even when you know the answer will probably be the same. And keep doing it. Don't assume they know you are thinking about them; communicate it."Weep with those who weep" isn't a one time thing. Walking alongside, and being a true friend to someone with chronic illness requires love shown through perseverance and patience.

"Contribute to the needs of the saints..." Romans 12:13a 

Within the Body of Christ we are blessed with a unique family relationship, and as we pray for a brother or sister in need... it may just be that God desires us to be His hands and feet in providing for them. Chronic illness is overwhelming, and not just to the one suffering, but to their family. It is hard, hard, hard to watch someone you love suffering and feel helpless to fix it, and the illness can cause strain in other areas as well. Often, chronic illness becomes a massive financial burden. Some chronic illnesses result in extreme food sensitivities and require a special (translation: expensive) diet. Treatment may involve a laundry list of supplements you couldn't begin to pronounce (again: expensive). Some tests and treatments may not be covered by insurance (expensive expensive expensive). You get the idea. Also, when living with the pain and fatigue of chronic illness in such a fast paced world, routine tasks like cleaning, yardwork, keeping kids busy, and running errands can become overwhelming.

There is no “one size fits all” approach to meeting needs, because needs vary. What is helpful for one person might be stressful for another. So how can you know what will help? Allow me to offer a simple solution that may seem obvious: ask. Don't say “Let me know if there's any way I can help!” That's well meant, I know, but odds are no one is going to call you and say, “Hey, remember when you offered to help awhile back? Well, we're really struggling with the supplement bill this month....” Instead, try something more specific: “What can I do that will be a help to you?” And keep asking. Look for opportunities too. A meal may be a blessing, but if explaining dietary restrictions is too complicated, why not bless them with a gift card to their preferred grocery store instead? Offer an afternoon of childcare so they can rest. Ask if you can pick something up for them at the store. Or maybe just come over for a visit, if they feel well enough. Seek to do something that will really serve and leave them feeling blessed and loved, not just a thing that will salve your conscience for awhile. And before, during, and after seeking to serve, pray.

Speaking of prayer, that will be the topic of my final post in this series: how faith in God plays out in the midst of a trial that can seem hopeless.

**I don't pretend to have this all figured out. These are areas where I need to grow as well.
***Chronic illness is a broad term, and as with anything else, there is no universal stereotype for those who are chronically ill. What is felt by and/or helpful to one person might not be the same as someone else. I don't pretend to speak for all those who suffer with chronic illness, only to offer what I have observed in the hope that it may be helpful. 

An Outside Perspective Pt 1: Understanding Chronic Illness

chron·ic

/kränik/

adjective

(of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly recurring.

     When was the last time you were sick? (Last Friday in my case). No fun, huh? Did you curl up in bed and watch movies, waiting for your aches and pain to pass? Did you power through cold symptoms at work or school while your nose dripped, your throat burned, and your head was in a fog? Being sick is miserable. It stinks. When we get sick we put life on pause if we can, and if we can't, we may feel a bit sorry for ourselves. We try to get rest, move a little slower, and trust people will have grace for us if we're not in a particularly cheery mood. Then we get better, and life goes on.

     But imagine, if you will, that miserable feeling being a constant. Rather than hitting hard and moving on with a possible week or so of recovery afterward, imagine it stretching on for days... weeks... months... years. The specific symptoms may be different (and often worse) but if you have been imagining along with me, you have gotten a taste of what it's like to be chronically ill.

     I am not chronically ill, but my mom and brother have a chronic illness (as do 2 of my closest friends) so I have, in a sense, lived with it and seen its merciless effects first hand. It is isolating. It is discouraging. It is wearying. It is misunderstood. It is frightening. In writing this post, I'll try to do in text what I often have in conversation- explain at least a little of what makes chronic illness so hard.

      First, chronic illness is hidden. Most of those who suffer with it don't look sick, and consequently, they are often misunderstood. They have to function as best as they can with pain as a constant companion, because that's just how life is. So when you see them a smiling and laughing that doesn't mean everything is fine. They may be an expert at hiding just how bad they're feeling, and what you also don't see is that the price of today's social event may be a crash tomorrow, as they expended far more energy than they really had. For them, doing things we take for granted comes at a high price. As energy is limited, activities must become limited. As they are forced to step back from things they enjoyed before, as they have to keep saying "no," life keeps going on, and they may increasingly feel forgotten or left behind. Chronic illness is by its nature isolating and lonely.
     
     Second, chronic illness is... well... chronic. It just keeps going, long past the point one would feel they could endure it. People ask, "how are you feeling?" and the choices are either to hide the truth with a simple "fine" or to be honest and say "pretty terrible" over and over and over and over. There are ups and downs, but when the truth is usually discouraging, sometimes people get tired of asking. There's often no end in sight, and even when one's faith is strong, enduring pain day after day after day is wearying. Also, many chronic illnesses are hard to diagnose, and often it can mean years of doctors and tests with no answers... and then when answers do come the implications may be bleak. They need prayer for endurance.

     I feel safe in saying that possibly the most hurtful thing for someone who is chronically ill is for someone (especially someone close to them) to doubt that they are really sick. When someone is fighting pain and exhaustion day after day, the implication (however well it is meant) that it's all in their head is like a dagger. I have seen this happen more than once, and I can't begin to describe the pain it causes. Remember, chronic illness is hidden. Just because you can't see it, don't understand it, and may not have a label to attach to it doesn't mean it isn't there. If someone you love is chronically ill, and you are struggling with skepticism, please, please do not express it, and do not judge them. Try instead to be there for them. Try to be humble and teachable, ready to believe them, And if you are truly struggling with reservations about it, I do understand, it's hard to understand its effects when you haven't witnessed them first hand. Let me encourage you to bring that before God, and ask Him to help you see the situation as He sees it.

     Even having witnessed the effects of chronic illness on a day to day basis, it's still easy for me to forget or minimize just how bad those I love are feeling. That's why I'm sharing all this- in the hope that we might, as brothers and sisters in Christ, be able to have a better understanding of something that is often hard to grasp. In the next post I'll share some thoughts about practical ways to love those who are chronically ill, but in the meantime, just trying to understand (and praying!!) is a good place to start.

***Chronic illness is a broad term, and as with anything else, there is no universal stereotype for those who are chronically ill. What is felt by and/or helpful to one person might not be the same as someone else. I don't pretend to speak for all those who suffer with chronic illness, only to offer what I have observed in the hope that it may be helpful. 

Reflection and Gratitude

Over 7 months since my last post... And over one month since I became a married woman. After almost 3 years together, including my 8 months in the Philippines while we were dating and his 6 months on the other side of the world while we were engaged, on January 2nd I finally became my Zack's wife. More on that later, but for now there is something on my heart.

Last night, while most of America watched the Super Bowl (or, for all of my kindred spirits, hung out with other people who also weren't watching it), Zack and I spent a quiet evening at home in our apartment. Such is the life of a student... he had the entirety of Othello to read by the next day, and so the most we experienced of the game was our neighbor's passionate commentary which made its way through the walls. Good thing we aren't football people. 

After dinner I joined him on the couch, and as a passing thought, decided to read my journal from two years ago this week. I was in the Philippines then, finishing up my visit to another village, and celebrating in my heart the one year anniversary of the day Zack asked me if I wanted to "give it a shot." One year together, more than half of it spent apart. Then another entry from two days later, his birthday... celebrated over Skype. Missing him, loving him so much from so very far away. Sharing what life and love we could over a computer screen, because that's all we had and would have for months. It's easy now to forget just how hard that was. How I would offer my aching heart to God and pray for contentment when internet issues hindered our very few hours of conversation each week. How I would daydream about just being able to hold his hand. 

As I read my own words from a very different season and remembered how I had treasured what precious little I had of him, I was struck by how profoundly poignant it was to be reading that now, two years later, sitting silently on the couch with my husband. We are now immersed in life, with all of its frustrations, uncertainties, adjustments, ups and downs. There are jobs and dishes and bills and sore throats and homework. But we are together. I could look up and see him, concentrating, trying to grasp the mysteries of Shakespeare and still finish the assignment on time. I could move my foot a few inches to touch his, knowing he'd look up and smile. These are simple, daily realities now, and so easy to take for granted. But oh, how sweet that they are daily realities. How much God has led us through to bring us here. How long we waited. And I remembered that I wouldn't trade this for anything. 

Skype two years ago

Skype one year ago

Home

Poem- "My Confidence"

This week I've had more time to just be still than I usually do... and to be honest, I kind of miss the busyness! As long as I'm staying busy with tasks and relationships God has placed in my life it's great, and He gives so much grace, but busyness can become an idol. Coming into this week I've noticed in my heart a definite resistance to the stillness. I've been praying about it a lot, asking God to strengthen my desire to just draw near to Him, and hating my own fallen, wandering heart which so often renders that prayer necessary. Last night though, God reminded me of the glorious truth that He doesn't change based on how I feel about Him. Feelings shift and alter, but He never does.

For a long time, I have struggled with legalism... and by that I mean the tendency to measure my relationship with Him based on my performance- how well I'm doing in living out my faith. It is right and biblical to pursue obedience and a deeper walk with Him, but my standing before Him is based not on what I do, but on what He did on the cross! This poem is something He placed on my heart as I was meditating on that this morning. It's kind of simplistic, but it's something I needed to remember, and I hope it's a blessing to you as well!  

"My Confidence"

No heights of joy or thankfulness,
No zeal to win the lost,
No grief over my failures,
No passion for the cross,

No amount of study,
Gleaning knowledge of His Word,
No hours spent in fervent prayer,
Heart bent before the Lord...

No endurance in great trial,
No faithfulness through pain,
No sacrifice or service
I might render in His name,

All good things which He desires,
But they are not enough
To gain a place before His throne
Nor win for me His love.

It's Jesus who has paved my way,
Through His obedience.
My hope is found in Christ alone;
In Him my righteousness.

So, though I pray that all these things
May be seen in me,
Only in His blood I gain
My true identity

Changing Seasons

Today was, unless God does something I don't anticipate, my last official day of CYT/STP after 9 years there. 9 years of ministry, of growth... of family. It wasn't until I left the building and the door shut behind me that reality started to sink in, and I cried.

God has really grown me in my ability to handle change (just ask my mother!) but on days like this it can still hurt. New chapters mean saying goodbye to old ones, and the fact that I'm excited for what's ahead (marriage- WOOT!!) doesn't mean that it's easy to let go of what came before. I believe that the human heart longs for permanence, and that God gave us that desire so that we might seek it's fulfillment in Him. He is the only constant in this constantly changing world, and if we are His, then one day we will be with Him forever. No more changing seasons or goodbyes. Until then, the stability that is ours in Him keeps us anchored as we walk through this life.

Through all of this, God has been reminding me of just how temporary I am. These 9 years at CYT amount to a major chunk of my life thus far, but even if I were to pour into something for a lifetime, after a few years people probably wouldn't remember me. But if, but the grace of God, people are somehow pointed to know and pursue Jesus as a result of my life, then my life will have been worthwhile, even if no one remembers my name. 

Introducing....

This blog has had a serious omission for quite some time now. A very important development in my life (and by important, I mean life-altering) has gone only vaguely hinted at for the last two years. I've had my reasons for not writing about it here, and though those reasons disappeared awhile ago, by that point I wasn't sure where to begin! But since it's Valentine's Day, now seems as good a time as any, so here goes...

Just over two years ago, as we sat talking on a bench outside Starbucks, a handsome and godly young man named Zack, whom I deeply admired, asked me to begin a relationship.

And on September 4th, 2014, that man asked me to be his wife.

I rather doubt that's news to anyone reading this, but sometimes I still look down at the ring on my finger and catch my breath in wonder, because I can't believe this is all real. For years I prayed for the man I would marry, and all the while God was shaping Zack to be that man. Our love story has been sweeter than anything than I ever could have imagined for myself, made beautiful by the Author of beauty.

Through the month leading up to our dating, one thing I prayed over and over was that God would not only bring about His plan, but that He would do it in His way, in His timing. This has remained my prayer through the course of our relationship, and it's one God has been faithful to answer. If I'd had my way and my timing, things probably would have looked a lot different! As it is, our relationship has included several very long periods of separation, and our engagement will last for well over a year.

Would I marry Zack tomorrow if I could? In a heartbeat! I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with this man! But if it came at the cost of the lessons that God is teaching us through the difficulty and waiting? Not a chance. God gives His best to those who trust and surrender to Him, but sometimes (often!) that best involves pain. As much as I ache to be married now, I recognize how desperately I need God's grace to be the wife Zack needs, and if the lessons learned in this season of waiting are His means of preparing us for marriage and drawing us closer to Him, then so be it.

Zack and I have seen the faithfulness and goodness of our Lord throughout the course of our relationship in so many ways, and perhaps in the future I will share some of what He has taught me along the way. For now though, I thank God for what He has given Zack and me, and pray that He uses it for His glory.

Before our first real date

Counting the Cost

I journal. I have kept a journal more or less faithfully since I was 11. My early entries often make me laugh or groan at my adolescent foolishness, and leave me thanking God that He loves me too much to leave me the way I am! But honestly, my journals are a magnificent blessing in my life, as I look back and see God's amazing faithfulness through many mountains and valleys, and I'm reminded of so many lessons He's taught me. I was reading through some journal entries from just over a year ago, and this one in particular stood out. It's something I wrote towards the end of my visit with Vicky in the Philippines, and because it fit with some other things I've been praying about today, I thought I'd share it here....

"Vicky and I were talking about suffering over breakfast. On multiple occasions Jesus spoke openly about His upcoming death to His disciples, but they didn't get it, and when it happened, they totally fell apart. Jesus has spoken equally clearly to us, and told us over and over that we will meet hardship and trials. We know it in our heads, but in spite of that, we are so often caught off guard when suffering actually comes. Vicky said that when she and [her husband] came to the field they came expecting to suffer. It made me think of 1 Peter 4:1a: 'Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking...' 

"Arming yourself is something you do in preparation for battle. We have been called to battle, and we can prepare for it by expecting to meet hardship, because the One we follow endured it before us. That's not to say we should worry about it or anxiously wonder about what might happen, only that we should realize that it's coming so that we won't be taken by surprise when it does."

This expectation is something so lacking in American Christianity... and I know it is far too often lacking in my own heart. I don't know where following Christ may take me, but I pray that He gives me steadfastness, faith and courage to meet whatever does come. He gave everything for me.... 

Enough

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I must admit that I have been a very negligent blogger. It has been a few days shy of 6 months since I posted last. I'm assuming that anyone reading this has heard my rather life-altering news which has yet to grace this humble blog in any form, so I shall save that for another time. Perhaps next week? That's not a promise, but we shall see.

I'm writing right now to share something that God reminded me of last night. It was in the middle of my church home group meeting (I love my home group!) and we were singing the song, "Enough." Maybe you've heard it before. It's a song I love, and one that God has used to speak to my heart in the midst of many ups and downs. Here are the lyrics of the chorus:

"All of You is more than enough for all of me,
For every thirst and every need.
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough."

Familiar words to me, but as I was singing them last night, I was deeply struck by what it really means to say that He is enough. For me at least, it's easy to sing that song in times of difficulty and meditate on the fact that He is enough even in the midst of a need I'm facing. That's very true, but reality goes far beyond that. He isn't just a sufficient substitute when something else is lacking. He is most definitely not a mere consolation prize in the absence of some earthly happiness. He is sufficient. Period. Even when our suffering subsides... when we get that job... when we have that relationship... when healing comes... when that unanswered question is resolved... when that separation ends... fill in the blank with anything you wish- if our joy doesn't begin and end with Him, we won't have any.

I pray that, in every season, whether empty or full, I might say truly that He alone is everything to me. 

When the Way Doesn't Make Sense

   Hey there! So... it's been a long time since I've posted. Months, in fact. Oops! Much has happened since I returned home, beginning with a beautiful welcome home at the airport and including the wedding of one of my best friends, two plays, a 3 1/2 month long job search, visits from family in Texas and a friend in Australia... it's been busy, full, and on the whole, wonderful! Adjusting to being back home was much easier than I anticipated, which I know was an answer to a great deal of prayer. Quite a few people have asked me if I plan on going somewhere else in the near future. The answer is.... I'm not sure! I will definitely be at home this year, and beyond that I haven't the slightest idea. I think there's a very good chance that I will end up somewhere else at some point, but I don't know how that will look, and I'm just trusting God to lead one step at a time.

   This summer I have been studying attributes of God, focusing on one in particular each week, and it's been great to take the time to dwell on all that He is. I finished up this week by studying His guidance. One point in particular stood out, and so I thought I would share!

~~~

When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle. (Exodus 13:17-18)

   From a human perspective, the way God was leading didn't make sense. There was a much more direct path than the one on which He led them. But He saw what they didn't- the quick way would lead them right to the Philistines, an enemy they were not ready to face. They were equipped for battle, but they weren't yet prepared for battle. They had much to learn, not only about fighting, but about trusting the One they followed. What must have seemed a foolish waste of time from their perspective was actually His protection. 

   It's not that He led them on an easy path, after all, they're headed straight for the Red Sea! There they would soon be trapped, and accuse God and Moses of leading them to their deaths. But God had a plan all along. He led them straight into a hopeless situation, that they might see Him move mightily on their behalf. His goal wasn't merely to get His people from point A to point B, but to teach them to trust Him in the process. 

   I pray for grace to trust Him always, even when I can't see why He is leading me somewhere. 

Goodbye Teaching

  Yesterday was our last day of school, and I really can't believe it. Our first day was over six months ago, and though it's felt long in moments, the time has flown. I remember the questions and worries I had in the months leading up to it... How can I possibly teach four kids when I've never taught one? How in the world do I plan a school schedule? How can I help them learn things that I've forgotten? But here I am at the end, and God has somehow enabled me to do that which was so intimidating before.

  There have been plenty of moments when I've blown it; when I've let fear or impatience rule. There have been long days. But I can say without hesitation that I have loved it, and I'm not ready to give it up. I'm not ready to say goodbye to these kids. I'm not ready to stop being their teacher. There have been plenty of frustrations on all sides, I know, and hey... if you're a 1st, 6th, or 8th grader, school is school. But my goodness, we have had fun. Laughing over creative writing assignments, naming the neighbors' puppies after the explorers were studying, imagining life on the international space station during Astronomy, reading through 4 out of 7 Narnia books (Miss Lindy had a bit too much fun with the voices sometimes!), and sometimes just pausing to be silly (this teacher is admittedly not always the most... uhh... "grown up" individual)... so many wonderful, wonderful memories, and a little blog post can't possibly do them justice.

   Now it's time to go home, and Shannon will finish the remainder of the school year. I posted this after the first week of school. It's amazing to look back on all that has happened, and to see how God has provided so faithfully. When He calls, He enables. His grace is indeed sufficient, and has been sufficient for me.

Early on Eli offered to take "school photos." There were some nice, normal pictures... but this one is my favorite!

Kyle's science book always instructed us to use safety goggles during experiments, and we decided to try it for this one... After all, you never know when water, pepper, tissue paper, and chewing gum will blow up and blind you forever.

The girls and I studied Astronomy... here we are making "craters."

Art was one of my favorite subjects to teach. One day I had them do pictures in complimentary colors, and this was Kyle's.

Another science experiment: making a model of Mercury. It was supposed to harden over a few days... ours sort of melted instead.

We would always pause to watch the helicopter arrive on flight days.

Sophia and I spent most of the morning working one on one. This little first grader is becoming quite the reader, and I am blown away by how much she has learned this year!

Kyle's math... he very kindly made a slight adjustment to a name in this story problem. Thanks Kyle!

Charlotte's spelling test yesterday... *sigh*

Last week in the Village

In a sense, it feels like I just got here. Wasn't I just saying goodbye to my friends and family at the airport? Didn't I just arrive here and begin to adjust to a new family, culture, and lifestyle? Wasn't I just organizing the school room, trying to wade through piles of books and teacher's manuals, and feeling overwhelmed by the task ahead?

Now, I am packing, not just for a short trip, but everything. I'll be home in less than 6 weeks, and we'll be away from the village for most of that time. I'm getting our schoolbooks organized for the time we'll be away, planning the remainder of my time as teacher, and preparing to pass the baton to Shannon for the last bit of the school year. How did time go by so fast?

On the other hand though, it feels like I've been here much longer than almost 7 months. I love it here. When we return to the village after a trip, I call it home. The Talbots feel like family, and I love spending time with all of them. Though there are still plenty of challenges, even the challenges have become familiar. Believe me, I am so eager to go home, but the idea of leaving is honestly a painful one.

Things are a lot like they were 7 months ago, when I was getting ready to come here. There are so many unknowns ahead, and saying goodbye is going to hurt like crazy. But God was absolutely faithful then, and He is faithful now.

Here are some pictures from the last several months- sorry I've been so negligent in posting them!  

Out for a walk with some of the Talbot and Easton kids, with some of the village children tagging along (the Eastons are the Talbot's co-workers).

I finally got to ride a water buffalo!

I had two big boxes coming for Christmas; the result of the combined effort of wonderful family and friends. Long story short, they didn't arrive at the guest house until January. I was expecting this one to come in on the helicopter, but Chuck and Shannon arranged to have it brought in a week early without telling me. Here it is arriving via water buffalo!

I was so surprised! (I find Chuck's expression quite amusing!) 

The kids and I will periodically have a "tea party." Those at home will laugh at me for saying this, but it gets quite "cold" early in the year. One gets used to the hot temperatures, and in the 68 degree weather I was freezing!

That house was built beside ours early in the year.

Jenna likes to brush my hair. Kyle suggested the addition of clothespins, so Jenna and Sophia collaborated to accomplish... this. According to Jenna, I look beautiful... haha. Of course, they needed some too! 

Making sugar cookies for Valentine's day

We had a village party for Bea's 1st birthday. About a hundred people came, and many helped with preparations! Shannon and I tried pounding rice, just for fun. I failed miserably, but at least I can say I did it!

So much coconut!

Rolling balls for nansilot- a dessert made with sticky rice flour.

Hala and the birthday girl

Party time!

Fun with the balloon animal kit from my box. These swords were later used for an epic... and loud... battle. 

Another Village

 You may remember me mentioning Vicky in a post shortly after I got here. She first came to the Philippines as a missionary in 1980, and works in another village. I had the amazing privilege of spending nearly two weeks with her there. I'm not quite sure where to start, but it was wonderful- the perfect mix of working and resting.

Vicky has a lovely alto voice, and we had so much fun singing together. One night we even stayed up late singing hymns! I went on walks through the jungle with her or Heidi, Vicky's co-worker, and loved having the chance to see more of this beautiful country and getting to know each of them better. I was able to help with lots of little things, and enjoyed it so much! Vicky gives away a lot of clothes to the babies and toddlers in the village, and while I was there we organized the bags she had brought from the States and made a decent sized dent in her supply as lots of mothers came by asking! One day Vicky, Heidi, a lady from the village and I took a long hike to visit another area nearby. We were gone for 5 ½ hours, and estimated that we hiked for a total of 4! We visited some houses there and had fresh coconut, and even got to see a big waterfall! We were all tired, but it was so worth it.

I particularly enjoyed the chance to be more involved with the people in the village. Lots of ladies and kids would come to the porch to visit, and though I obviously couldn't understand the conversation, it was still great fun, and I made friends! I did manage to learn a few words and phrases, both from being surrounded by it and from asking questions. Vicky and her co-workers have been there a long time, and there is a church that meets under Jonathan and Heidi's house. The Talbots are just getting started here, and so it was nice to be able to see something on the other end of the spectrum. I was there for two Sundays, and it was especially fun to try and sing along with the worship songs! I knew some of the melodies, which helped. Everybody made me feel so welcome, and made it very, very hard to leave! I definitely left a piece of my heart there.

I anticipated a lot of growth and stretching taking place during the trip. It did, but it didn't look at all like I thought it would. I wrote pages and pages in my journal, but I'm not sure how to summarize it here. Through talking with Vicky, seeing the way she interacts with the people in the village, and just by living there for awhile, God taught me so much about patience, loving people with His love, trusting Him with our weakness, following Him no matter how hard things get, resting in His love for us, being willing to endure suffering when it comes (because it will surely come), serving, and really, just what it is to be a missionary. It was a full, joyful, peaceful, challenging, growing time. I thank Him for it, and I pray both that I will never forget all of that God taught me and that He'll lead me in applying it.

Will you join me in praying for God's continued work in that village?

I was surprised to see the stone paths in the village. So pretty!

The bridge over the river

Ladies visiting on the porch

The view from Vicky's porch

Rice

coffee in progress!

Out for a walk... isn't it beautiful?

Vicky and new baby Darren

Me, Vicky, and Heidi before our long hike

In the jungle... I can't believe I get to do this!

Big fern

With Arsilie (I doubt I'm spelling her name right...) by the waterfall

This beautiful basket was given to me "for remembrance." I will surely never forget!

These are the clothes for the village babies.

Yes, it was wonderful... but there were still some moments I could have lived without!

Jonathan, Heidi, Vicky and me right before I left. I wasn't ready to say goodbye!

Worry

  Today I read Luke 12:22-31. It's a very familiar passage. Jesus says to His disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.” (v 22b) He goes on to describe the Father's care for the flowers and birds. If God provides for them, won't He surely care for us, His own children? “And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to the span of his life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. Instead, seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to you.” (25-26, 29-31)

When I was younger I used to worry about finances a great deal. That was foolish, of course. I should have trusted my parents. What about now though? Now I'm living in the “grown-up world.” Isn't worrying being responsible, because there are very real practical issues that need my attention? Umm... no. That's not to say that we should be haphazard or foolish in planning or decision making, but there is a world of difference between being responsible and being anxious. Jesus commands us not to worry, and not just about things that are out of our control, like getting sick or loosing a loved one. In this passage, Jesus is addressing areas where our actions do have an effect, like having food and clothing.

Worry means anxiously focusing on something- dwelling on it and being weighed down by the burden of it. But what is the purpose? Our worry can't change anything, and will have no practical effect outside of making us miserable and joyless. 

One thing that was particularly convicting for me today was the rebuke in the middle of this passage: “O you of little faith.” (v 28b) I struggle with worry. But worry isn't simply a bothersome personality trait. It is sin. It is an active declaration that I believe God is not trustworthy. It's saying, in effect, “Yes God, I know that You have said that You are in control, but I need to hold on and make sure that things are ok, because I don't believe that You will handle things as they should be handled.” Ouch. If I truly believe that God holds all things in His hands, that He will do what He has promised, and that He is working for my good even in hard things, then steadfast confidence and peace should define my life. 

That was a highly convicting reminder that I very much needed! He is trustworthy, and I want to live like I believe it.

2013

It's been quite the year.

In the wee hours of the morning on January 1st, my dear friend Emily and I stood outside watching friends setting off fireworks and having a conversation which we have since looked back on with great amusement. We reflected on God's faithfulness through the past year, and one of us said something along the lines of, "I wonder what all God will do and where He'll lead us over the next year?" For me, the answer came much faster and more dramatically than I ever could have anticipated, because it was that very night that I read of the Talbots and their need for a homeschool teacher. I wrote about this already, but though the idea launched a fair amount of emotional turmoil as I considered the possibility of being so far from home for so long, though it was some time before I could think much about it without fighting tears, and though I prayed and prayed for God's leading, deep within I knew in the moment that I already knew the answer to the questions that I was asking: "Go."

One year, and so much has happened since then. All of the tears and anticipation and prayer and preparation leading up to going, and now I've been here for five months. God has led me somewhere I never would have chosen, and given me peace in it. New relationships have grown and old ones have deepened, even from far away. I can see him working in the joy and the pain, teaching me to obey and follow Him, and changing my heart and preparing me for whatever He happens to have next.

There's more to this year even than what I've written here, but I'll save the rest for another time. To say a lot has changed is just a bit of an understatement. It might be more accurate to say that God took my life, turned it upside-down and shook it a little. Some of it has been painful, some has been wonderful, and I'm deeply thankful for it all, because it drawn me closer to Him!

I sit here in the Philippines and wonder, as Emily and I did a year ago, what 2014 holds. It's hard to imagine that it could be more dramatic and full of surprises than 2013 has been, but hey, following Christ is always an adventure! I don't dare say that I'm ready for anything now- bring it on! but I guess I'm at least a little more ready to expect the unexpected! And I do indeed trust the One who is in control of it all. 

New Country, Old Friends

6 years ago I was in CYT's production of "Scrooge." I was one of the Cratchit children, and a wonderful lady named Mrs. Nikki played my mom. I've enjoyed getting to know her over the years, and have prayed for her family as they adopted several children from the Philippines. That dear family moved to the Philippines less than a month before I got here! Right now, among other things, they have a learning program for special needs orphans, and their long-term hope is to begin a special needs orphanage. (If you'd like to read more about their ministry, scroll to the bottom of this post on their blog, or check out www.bartimaeusproject.org). This past week, CYT performed Scrooge for the first time since I was in it, and I'll be honest, when I found out they were going to be doing that, it launched one of my more painful periods of homesickness. God is so good to me though! This past Thursday, while the cast back home was in the midst of their final dress rehearsal, I was in the Philippines arriving at Mrs. Nikki's house, getting a giant hug, and enjoying talking about people and places we both knew. That night we even watched the old Scrooge DVD! Being with that family on this side of the world was so surreal, and I'm in awe of God's perfect timing. Whoever would have imagined 6 years ago that we'd all be here together?

I spent a week with them, and it was so much fun. I got to see areas of ministry quite different than what I've seen so far, and even participate a little. I got to spend time with some wonderful kids during their Saturday program. I had my first up-close encounter with some beggar girls, which deeply impacted me. And I saw other areas of Luzon, striking both in poverty and beauty, as we drove to visit their older son for an afternoon. It was both horizon-broadening and refreshing, and I'm deeply thankful for the blessing of time spent with old friends, even so far from home! 

The Cratchit family of 2007

6 years later, watching the Scrooge DVD with my on-stage mom and reliving old memories... and during the opening night of Scrooge 2013, no less! 

Reading to one of the Bartimaeus Project kids on Saturday

Bartimaeus kids again- such sweet girls! 

Philippine Reindeer 

Helping decorate the tree was good medicine for this girl who loves Christmas and is missing her family!

Squatter houses

More squatter houses, with Manila in the background

I've been in the Philippines for over 4 months now, and this was the first time I got around to taking a picture of a jeepney! 

Visiting their oldest son at the shelter for former street kids where he works