Reflection and Gratitude

Over 7 months since my last post... And over one month since I became a married woman. After almost 3 years together, including my 8 months in the Philippines while we were dating and his 6 months on the other side of the world while we were engaged, on January 2nd I finally became my Zack's wife. More on that later, but for now there is something on my heart.

Last night, while most of America watched the Super Bowl (or, for all of my kindred spirits, hung out with other people who also weren't watching it), Zack and I spent a quiet evening at home in our apartment. Such is the life of a student... he had the entirety of Othello to read by the next day, and so the most we experienced of the game was our neighbor's passionate commentary which made its way through the walls. Good thing we aren't football people. 

After dinner I joined him on the couch, and as a passing thought, decided to read my journal from two years ago this week. I was in the Philippines then, finishing up my visit to another village, and celebrating in my heart the one year anniversary of the day Zack asked me if I wanted to "give it a shot." One year together, more than half of it spent apart. Then another entry from two days later, his birthday... celebrated over Skype. Missing him, loving him so much from so very far away. Sharing what life and love we could over a computer screen, because that's all we had and would have for months. It's easy now to forget just how hard that was. How I would offer my aching heart to God and pray for contentment when internet issues hindered our very few hours of conversation each week. How I would daydream about just being able to hold his hand. 

As I read my own words from a very different season and remembered how I had treasured what precious little I had of him, I was struck by how profoundly poignant it was to be reading that now, two years later, sitting silently on the couch with my husband. We are now immersed in life, with all of its frustrations, uncertainties, adjustments, ups and downs. There are jobs and dishes and bills and sore throats and homework. But we are together. I could look up and see him, concentrating, trying to grasp the mysteries of Shakespeare and still finish the assignment on time. I could move my foot a few inches to touch his, knowing he'd look up and smile. These are simple, daily realities now, and so easy to take for granted. But oh, how sweet that they are daily realities. How much God has led us through to bring us here. How long we waited. And I remembered that I wouldn't trade this for anything. 

Skype two years ago

Skype one year ago

Home

2013

It's been quite the year.

In the wee hours of the morning on January 1st, my dear friend Emily and I stood outside watching friends setting off fireworks and having a conversation which we have since looked back on with great amusement. We reflected on God's faithfulness through the past year, and one of us said something along the lines of, "I wonder what all God will do and where He'll lead us over the next year?" For me, the answer came much faster and more dramatically than I ever could have anticipated, because it was that very night that I read of the Talbots and their need for a homeschool teacher. I wrote about this already, but though the idea launched a fair amount of emotional turmoil as I considered the possibility of being so far from home for so long, though it was some time before I could think much about it without fighting tears, and though I prayed and prayed for God's leading, deep within I knew in the moment that I already knew the answer to the questions that I was asking: "Go."

One year, and so much has happened since then. All of the tears and anticipation and prayer and preparation leading up to going, and now I've been here for five months. God has led me somewhere I never would have chosen, and given me peace in it. New relationships have grown and old ones have deepened, even from far away. I can see him working in the joy and the pain, teaching me to obey and follow Him, and changing my heart and preparing me for whatever He happens to have next.

There's more to this year even than what I've written here, but I'll save the rest for another time. To say a lot has changed is just a bit of an understatement. It might be more accurate to say that God took my life, turned it upside-down and shook it a little. Some of it has been painful, some has been wonderful, and I'm deeply thankful for it all, because it drawn me closer to Him!

I sit here in the Philippines and wonder, as Emily and I did a year ago, what 2014 holds. It's hard to imagine that it could be more dramatic and full of surprises than 2013 has been, but hey, following Christ is always an adventure! I don't dare say that I'm ready for anything now- bring it on! but I guess I'm at least a little more ready to expect the unexpected! And I do indeed trust the One who is in control of it all. 

Never Once

There is no way I could ever summarize what God has done in my life through Christian Youth Theatre. I have been a part for 7 years- one third of my life. When I first started I was painfully shy, and God worked through CYT to bring me out of my shell. It was largely through CYT that God began to really take me deeper in my relationship with Him, and to teach me the power and beauty of prayer. He has given me the greatest friends I've ever had there, and it has been to me a second family where I am consistently challenged and encouraged in my walk with Him.

This past Saturday I worked backstage for what was possibly my very last play, and certainly my last for a long time. I was upstairs worshipping with the cast, wishing that time didn't fly by quite so fast, when they began singing "Never Once" by Matt Redman- a song I had never heard before. As I listened to these lyrics, I began to cry:

"Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

As memories flooded my heart, those words expressed what I was feeling better than I ever could have. It's true. Through every battle, every painful time of stretching, each time I was overwhelmed by the size of the task to which He had called me, every tear I ever cried, never once did I ever walk alone. He was always right there with me, guiding, upholding, shaping, and enabling. And all of the growth, every victory, is nothing more than a testament to His work on my behalf. Never once has He been anything but faithful. 

As this sweet season draws to a close, it's hard to say goodbye. But it's bittersweet, because I know that Jesus is the One leading me forward, and He is the One who gave CYT it's sweetness in the first place. All of the things that matter most- the lessons He has taught me and the friendships He has built- won't disappear just because I'm not there anymore. And it's that history of past faithfulness that gives me confidence in moving forward to the next adventure... which will be the topic of my next post! 

Where I've Been, Where I'm Going (Pt. 2)

This brings us to January 31st, 2011. It was time to go out on yet another job search, and I was so discouraged. I prayed and cried, completely overwhelmed with everything, and as I prayed, I sensed God saying, "Ask Me again." "But Lord, I have asked, and nothing has happened." "Ask Me again." So I asked, and once again I had to make the choice to trust even though I couldn't see, to let go and really believe that He is in control. That night I had to go somewhere, and when I came home my mom told me that a friend from church had called from out of the blue to ask if I wanted a job! Did I want a job? Oh goodness! I began work the very next day, and literally as I pulled into the driveway after work that evening, I received a call saying I had been accepted to Ellerslie. (More on Ellerslie another time.) That was 7 months ago now, and I am still amazed by God's perfect timing!

And so began a season of full time work, bringing it's own challenges and joys. I needed a good deal of money to pay for the tuition at Ellerslie, but God had provided my job, and I knew that, if He wanted me there, He would provide. Then came a period of several months with almost no work, due to the economy. In all of this I began to see that my trust had been in God's provision through my job, rather than in God alone. Through everything that happened He was gently teaching to let go of anything I trusted in other than Him. With each new trial came a new chance to rest in Him. I could never earn the money I needed in time. Even when I started working almost full time again, it was seemingly impossible. I grew up hearing "God can provide" and saying "I trust God", but now, for really the first time in my life, I had to live it. I had to trust Him with absolutely everything, and there was no plan B. Friends asked, "What if God doesn't provide" and I asked myself the same question. Again and again I came back to the same conclusion: I know that God has called me to Ellerslie, and I know that He would never call me to something for which He would not provide. I faced doubt, but He enabled me to surrender it to Him. Although it was difficult, I can say with absolute conviction that I wouldn't trade it for anything, because in all of it He was right there with me, stretching, growing, and holding me. I have seen for myself that His promises are true.

I'm writing this after the fact. God has provided, in a just-at-the-right-moment, it-could-only-have-been Him sort of way. I may share the story later, but it is enough to say that God is able to provide, He does keep His promises, and I have seen it myself!

I wish I could say that I would never struggle with doubt again, but I have. The big hurdle is behind me, but dozens more lie ahead. I am so thankful for God's infinite patience with me. He faithfully reminds me that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. To doubt Him is not only folly, but sin. I look back over my life and see His trustworthiness shown through every step. Daily, by His grace, I will trust Him with all that I am, for He is good.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishesthough it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:6-7