An Outside Perspective Pt. 3: Faith in the Midst of Chronic Illness

"In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." ~ Jesus (John 16:33b)

     I'm blessed to live in a community in which people pray for each other. "I'm praying for you" is often heard, and, I trust, meant. "How are your mom and brother? Please tell them I'm praying for them." I pray too. But what happens when answers tarry, or maybe never come the way we hoped they would? What happens when, after years, things just get worse instead of better? Living with chronic illness is a wearying road (and it's not a sin to be weary!!)

     It is hard to persevere in praying with faith knowing that God can heal, yet still finding peace in His sovereign goodness, saying "Thy will be done." It's easy to lean toward one extreme or the other, either "claiming healing in Jesus' Name" and then being hurt and disillusioned when healing doesn't come, or just giving up on praying about it at all, giving in to despair. But the reality is, we are never promised healing. On the contrary, in Scripture we are promised repeatedly that life will, in some way, shape, or form, be hard. What we are promised is that we can have hope, peace, and joy even in the midst of suffering. In Christ, we are more than conquerors no matter what suffering we may be facing, and we know that nothing can separate us from His love. (I'm resisting the urge to quote all of Romans 8:16-39 here, but please, pause and read it. It's so good).

     As Christians, our hope is not ultimately in this life. Even one freed from the bondage of chronic illness still dwells in a mortal body which will eventually wear out and meet death. Praise God, because of Jesus and His atoning sacrifice, we have a "living hope" (1 Peter 1:3), a certain hope of eternity with God where we will never again know sadness, pain, or suffering. Whatever this life may hold until then, we can have hope for that reason. That is why we can rejoice.

     So in praying for a friend with chronic illness, yes, by all means pray that God will heal them! We serve a mighty God for whom nothing is impossible, who loves and cares for His children, and we hope that someday He may choose to heal. But pray especially that God will uphold them in the midst of trial. Pray that He will sustain their faith, give them hope, joy, and strength to meet each day. Pray that He will comfort and encourage them with His promises. And don't ever stop praying.

     I tried to capture all this in a poem I wrote for my Mom some time ago, inspired by Romans 8, and I will use it as a conclusion to this series of posts. Whether you are facing chronic illness or trial of any kind, I pray it is a blessing to you.

"Healing"

Few can see, and fewer grasp
The nature of this road,
A way of hidden suff'ring
On which many tears are sown.

Healing an elusive dream
And pain a steady friend
Imparting weariness to days
Which drag on without end.

This isolating illness
With no promise of a cure
Casts shadows of discouragement
Oppressive to endure.

A God of love, unbroken pain,
How are these reconciled?
How can a Father give with love
This thorn to His own child?

These concepts do not contradict
Though I afflicted be,
For I'm co-heir with Jesus,
And He suffered for me.

Oh, pity me, all who look on,
If all that I possess
Is uncertain chance of healing
And hope of earthly rest.

Yet, God be praised! That is not so.
One day this ache will lift.
A hope unseen, but certain hope
Is mine because He lives.

An eternal weight of glory waits-
The glory of His reign.
Not even worth comparing
With this passing, transient pain.

This troubled path is leading home.
One day I'll reach that place,
And there be healed forever
When at last I see His face. 

An Outside Perspective Pt 1: Understanding Chronic Illness

chron·ic

/kränik/

adjective

(of an illness) persisting for a long time or constantly recurring.

     When was the last time you were sick? (Last Friday in my case). No fun, huh? Did you curl up in bed and watch movies, waiting for your aches and pain to pass? Did you power through cold symptoms at work or school while your nose dripped, your throat burned, and your head was in a fog? Being sick is miserable. It stinks. When we get sick we put life on pause if we can, and if we can't, we may feel a bit sorry for ourselves. We try to get rest, move a little slower, and trust people will have grace for us if we're not in a particularly cheery mood. Then we get better, and life goes on.

     But imagine, if you will, that miserable feeling being a constant. Rather than hitting hard and moving on with a possible week or so of recovery afterward, imagine it stretching on for days... weeks... months... years. The specific symptoms may be different (and often worse) but if you have been imagining along with me, you have gotten a taste of what it's like to be chronically ill.

     I am not chronically ill, but my mom and brother have a chronic illness (as do 2 of my closest friends) so I have, in a sense, lived with it and seen its merciless effects first hand. It is isolating. It is discouraging. It is wearying. It is misunderstood. It is frightening. In writing this post, I'll try to do in text what I often have in conversation- explain at least a little of what makes chronic illness so hard.

      First, chronic illness is hidden. Most of those who suffer with it don't look sick, and consequently, they are often misunderstood. They have to function as best as they can with pain as a constant companion, because that's just how life is. So when you see them a smiling and laughing that doesn't mean everything is fine. They may be an expert at hiding just how bad they're feeling, and what you also don't see is that the price of today's social event may be a crash tomorrow, as they expended far more energy than they really had. For them, doing things we take for granted comes at a high price. As energy is limited, activities must become limited. As they are forced to step back from things they enjoyed before, as they have to keep saying "no," life keeps going on, and they may increasingly feel forgotten or left behind. Chronic illness is by its nature isolating and lonely.
     
     Second, chronic illness is... well... chronic. It just keeps going, long past the point one would feel they could endure it. People ask, "how are you feeling?" and the choices are either to hide the truth with a simple "fine" or to be honest and say "pretty terrible" over and over and over and over. There are ups and downs, but when the truth is usually discouraging, sometimes people get tired of asking. There's often no end in sight, and even when one's faith is strong, enduring pain day after day after day is wearying. Also, many chronic illnesses are hard to diagnose, and often it can mean years of doctors and tests with no answers... and then when answers do come the implications may be bleak. They need prayer for endurance.

     I feel safe in saying that possibly the most hurtful thing for someone who is chronically ill is for someone (especially someone close to them) to doubt that they are really sick. When someone is fighting pain and exhaustion day after day, the implication (however well it is meant) that it's all in their head is like a dagger. I have seen this happen more than once, and I can't begin to describe the pain it causes. Remember, chronic illness is hidden. Just because you can't see it, don't understand it, and may not have a label to attach to it doesn't mean it isn't there. If someone you love is chronically ill, and you are struggling with skepticism, please, please do not express it, and do not judge them. Try instead to be there for them. Try to be humble and teachable, ready to believe them, And if you are truly struggling with reservations about it, I do understand, it's hard to understand its effects when you haven't witnessed them first hand. Let me encourage you to bring that before God, and ask Him to help you see the situation as He sees it.

     Even having witnessed the effects of chronic illness on a day to day basis, it's still easy for me to forget or minimize just how bad those I love are feeling. That's why I'm sharing all this- in the hope that we might, as brothers and sisters in Christ, be able to have a better understanding of something that is often hard to grasp. In the next post I'll share some thoughts about practical ways to love those who are chronically ill, but in the meantime, just trying to understand (and praying!!) is a good place to start.

***Chronic illness is a broad term, and as with anything else, there is no universal stereotype for those who are chronically ill. What is felt by and/or helpful to one person might not be the same as someone else. I don't pretend to speak for all those who suffer with chronic illness, only to offer what I have observed in the hope that it may be helpful. 

Counting the Cost

I journal. I have kept a journal more or less faithfully since I was 11. My early entries often make me laugh or groan at my adolescent foolishness, and leave me thanking God that He loves me too much to leave me the way I am! But honestly, my journals are a magnificent blessing in my life, as I look back and see God's amazing faithfulness through many mountains and valleys, and I'm reminded of so many lessons He's taught me. I was reading through some journal entries from just over a year ago, and this one in particular stood out. It's something I wrote towards the end of my visit with Vicky in the Philippines, and because it fit with some other things I've been praying about today, I thought I'd share it here....

"Vicky and I were talking about suffering over breakfast. On multiple occasions Jesus spoke openly about His upcoming death to His disciples, but they didn't get it, and when it happened, they totally fell apart. Jesus has spoken equally clearly to us, and told us over and over that we will meet hardship and trials. We know it in our heads, but in spite of that, we are so often caught off guard when suffering actually comes. Vicky said that when she and [her husband] came to the field they came expecting to suffer. It made me think of 1 Peter 4:1a: 'Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking...' 

"Arming yourself is something you do in preparation for battle. We have been called to battle, and we can prepare for it by expecting to meet hardship, because the One we follow endured it before us. That's not to say we should worry about it or anxiously wonder about what might happen, only that we should realize that it's coming so that we won't be taken by surprise when it does."

This expectation is something so lacking in American Christianity... and I know it is far too often lacking in my own heart. I don't know where following Christ may take me, but I pray that He gives me steadfastness, faith and courage to meet whatever does come. He gave everything for me.... 

When the Way Doesn't Make Sense

   Hey there! So... it's been a long time since I've posted. Months, in fact. Oops! Much has happened since I returned home, beginning with a beautiful welcome home at the airport and including the wedding of one of my best friends, two plays, a 3 1/2 month long job search, visits from family in Texas and a friend in Australia... it's been busy, full, and on the whole, wonderful! Adjusting to being back home was much easier than I anticipated, which I know was an answer to a great deal of prayer. Quite a few people have asked me if I plan on going somewhere else in the near future. The answer is.... I'm not sure! I will definitely be at home this year, and beyond that I haven't the slightest idea. I think there's a very good chance that I will end up somewhere else at some point, but I don't know how that will look, and I'm just trusting God to lead one step at a time.

   This summer I have been studying attributes of God, focusing on one in particular each week, and it's been great to take the time to dwell on all that He is. I finished up this week by studying His guidance. One point in particular stood out, and so I thought I would share!

~~~

When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle. (Exodus 13:17-18)

   From a human perspective, the way God was leading didn't make sense. There was a much more direct path than the one on which He led them. But He saw what they didn't- the quick way would lead them right to the Philistines, an enemy they were not ready to face. They were equipped for battle, but they weren't yet prepared for battle. They had much to learn, not only about fighting, but about trusting the One they followed. What must have seemed a foolish waste of time from their perspective was actually His protection. 

   It's not that He led them on an easy path, after all, they're headed straight for the Red Sea! There they would soon be trapped, and accuse God and Moses of leading them to their deaths. But God had a plan all along. He led them straight into a hopeless situation, that they might see Him move mightily on their behalf. His goal wasn't merely to get His people from point A to point B, but to teach them to trust Him in the process. 

   I pray for grace to trust Him always, even when I can't see why He is leading me somewhere. 

Home

  Yesterday morning (which was Saturday night back in NC) I had the privilege of being present at my dear friend Tori's 16th birthday party via Skype. It was a surprise for her, and while I pray it was a blessing, I realized almost as soon as I got on that the one receiving the greatest blessing was me. For about a half hour, I got to "be with" many of my very closest friends, most of whom I haven't gotten to talk to in nearly two months. It meant the world to me, and I could feel their love even though I was only looking at a blurry image on a computer screen.

  I have not been homesick too much, but after saying goodbye I ached so, so deeply. Truly, I am happy here. But I do miss home. I miss my family, CYT, and all of those I love dearly, and I've been feeling it a bit more strongly this week. Right now I am reading Hind's Feet on High Places for the third time- it's one of my favorites. Towards the beginning, the Shepherd, who represents Jesus, says, "If you would know love, you must know pain too." It's true. The reason why it hurts is because the community I have back home is a gift from God, so full of His love. This ache is a testament to the beauty of what He has given me. Hurting is not a bad thing, but I don't want to focus on it. My real home is not North Carolina. It's in Him. Home was only beautiful because He was in it, and He has promised never to leave nor forsake me. This pain is His gift to me, an opportunity to find that He really is enough. I pray for the strength to continually choose to rejoice in Him, for He is good.

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want."
Psalm 23:1

More Than I Can Handle

We've been in the village for a week and a half. It's definitely another world! When I look out the two screened windows in my room, I can see banana and coconut trees, pigs, chickens, roosters, a monkey tied up, water buffalo (feel free to sing the song- I certainly have!) laundry hanging, and small houses with grass or tin roofs. I sleep under a mosquito net, the roosters start crowing about 4 am or so, and keep going all day. The last week has been spent (in addition to playing games and so forth with the kids) cleaning and organizing the school room and planning for the school year.

So what has God been teaching me, you ask? (Ok, you might not be asking, but I'll tell you anyway.) Well, I'm on the other side of the world from home, I've spent a week and a half in a rural village in a foreign country with no internet (which means no contact with anyone back home), facing drawers with hiding cockroaches, a mountain of school books, and teachers manuals, and a year of teaching four children when I've never taught one subject before... yeah. There's been a whole lot of learning going on over here! Here's one thing though.

People often say that God won't give us more than we can handle. It sounds very nice and comforting, but the reality is that it's simply not true. He does give us more than we can handle because He wants us to depend on Him instead of looking within for the strength to handle it. The fact that He loves us doesn't mean that He will keep us from challenge, pain or difficulty. Rather, because He loves us, He wants us to learn to trust when we can't see, to find peace and joy in Himself, and to find that He really does give strength for the weary; that His grace really, truly is sufficient. He does give us more than we can handle, but He will never give us anything that He is not able to live through us to overcome.

I'll be honest, lately I've had way more than I can handle. There have been plenty of moments when I was stressed, overwhelmed, or lonely, and didn't know how I could keep going. In moments where I would normally go to my mom or a friend for prayer and perspective, I have been in a position where all I could do was cry out to God and trust that He is all He says He is. Again and again, I have cried out for wisdom, clarity, strength, peace, for Him to live through me and make me more like Him... It's been hard. It's been painful. But never once have I been forsaken or alone. In the times when I felt I couldn't hold on, He has been holding on to me. I've been learning, along with so many other things, faith. Trust. Hope in the One who can never fail. I'm learning that He really is enough, and no matter the cost, it's worth it.

I don't mean to sound like I've been falling apart the whole time- I certainly haven't! There have been wonderful times of laughter, fun, learning to fit into a new family, and experiencing many new things. Here are some pictures!

About to get on the helicopter

In the helicopter on the way to the village- it was amazing!

This was waiting for me in my room. Welcome to the tribe, Lindy!

Charlotte, my brave, loyal assistant in organizing/cleaning, and Ernie the cockroach. Ernie is no longer with us. Thanks Charlotte!

The school room- very definitely a work in progress.

Cockroach poop. The cockroaches in this drawer had been killed by the time I took this picture. So fun! haha

Somebody in the village found this bird and gave it to Kyle. Mom, I'm posting this for you.

A corner of the Talbot's house

Next Door

"Everybody's got a water buffalo..."

Kyle took me and Sophia on a village tour. This is the waterfall which, I believe, normally has much more water.

Learning to knit!

The school room, looking much better, but still a work in progress

School books!

Kyle working on his fort

One of the little girls in the village

Learning

This will be my last post for awhile, as we will soon be headed for parts unknown (aka the village) and once we are there, it will be probably at least a few weeks until I have internet access again. I just wanted to check in, let you know that I'm still alive over here (haha) and share a small bit of what God has been teaching me.

Honestly, there is so much that it's hard to sort it all out in my mind. I've been writing most of it down (and trying not to turn into a hermit in the process), but God is hard at work in my life. There is still so much of me left in me, but God is chipping away, shaping, pruning, refining through fire.... whatever you want to call it, though I really am happy and really do love it here, it hurts. I want to love Him so much that I can say with all of my heart that nothing matters as long as He is glorified. I'm having to preach truth to myself constantly, because in the flesh that is not how I view life, and it is easy to focus on sacrifice, loneliness, hardship, difficulty, confusion, discomfort... and the list goes on. (not that things are even that hard, just harder than anything I've faced before.) But to focus on those things is self-pity, and self-pity is sin. In Philippians 1 Paul is in chains, circumstances far beyond anything I'm facing (obviously!) yet his joy shows through his writing in a way that's impossible to miss, because through it all, Christ is being glorified, which is so clearly the desire of his heart. His eyes are totally off of himself and focused on Christ first, and as an outflow of that, those around him. I am not like that, but I want to be, and if being brought to that point means being cut off from internet, (which only matters because it means being cut off from those I love) for awhile, and being so far from home for much longer, then so be it. No matter what I lose, even temporarily (for truly, this is so temporary!) I can never lose the only Thing I really need. And whatever the cost, it is worth it to learn that. I know that in my head, but He is faithfully teaching my heart. He disciplines those He loves, and I know that He loves me. And that is all I need. I am nothing, but I serve a mighty God who is able to use me in spite of me.

Pray that I will have a heart that says always "Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art". Pray that He will enable me as I move towards actually teaching. Pray that He will be glorified in it all.

Some more pictures...

We got to spend a few days at the beach with a lot of the NTM missionaries in the area

I was especially blessed by the time I got to spend with Vicky! She first came here in 1980, and it was amazing to get her perspective and hear what God has done in her life.

So beautiful! My camera couldn't do it justice.

Back at the guest house for now. There are lots of roosters, and they crow all day long.

Charlotte, Sophia, Jenna, and I were reading books on the trampoline, but we took a break for this. :)

I fit so much stuff in this action packer to go to the village... this thing is deceptively large!

Loading the truck to go to the village. The rest of us will follow by helicopter!

Poem- "In Waiting"

God gave me this poem earlier this year in the midst of circumstances which pressed me to a level of surrender deeper than I had ever experienced before. In light of what several friends are going through, now seemed the time to post it. 

"In Waiting"

"Hope deferred makes sick the heart."

Perhaps the proverb's true,

But though hard pressed, I'll not be crushed

If my hope lies in You.

To wait still more seems much too cruel;

A burden I can't face,

But should this cup be mine to drink,

I know You'll give me grace.

The beauty of this dream can't be 

The prize to which I cling,

For only when You are my all

Can my heart freely sing.

It's through the waiting You refine

And shape my heart to be

A heart like Yours, and sanctify 

The dreams You've given me.

A Living Hope

Right now we are in the middle of the last two weeks of a CYT play I'm helping with. The play is so powerful and full of truth, and I know God has been working in the hearts the of cast and crew all year, but Tuesday's rehearsal was an extra special one. For the last half hour we had the most amazing time of prayer. Many of us were in tears as we praised our Savior, confessed our sin, acknowledged our weakness and need of His strength, and offered our lives to Him. It's honestly hard to find words to describe the beauty of what God was doing in our hearts, but it was amazing.

When we finished praying, we sang a song which, in the context of the play it's from, is sung when Christ returns for His bride. As we sang, I was sitting with a friend who is going through a number of painful, challenging circumstances. I always love singing that song, but at that moment I was struck by the reality of what's ahead. All of the trials of life, which in the moment are so overwhelming, are only temporary. Jesus is so much bigger than the biggest hurdle we face, and He is the absolute, eternal reality, while our heartache and struggles are only a vapor. He has promised to complete the work He began in this cast, and in every heart which belongs to Him. One day He will come again, and the beauty of the worship that cast and crew experienced that night will be our eternal reality! We will be together again, this time forever, with no sin or darkness to ever keep us from pouring our hearts out before Him for all of eternity!

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
-1 Peter 1:3-7

Through Calm or Storm

In the Bible there are two accounts which offer an interesting contrast- Jesus calming a storm and Jesus walking on the water. (See Mark 4:35-41 and Matthew 14:22-33) In the first, He brought peace where there was chaos. In the second, He called His disciple out into it. In both, He was right there with His disciples, and in both, their faith is shown to be weak. I face many storms in life, and I cry out to Jesus. I long for Him to speak "peace, be still," over the raging seas. But if He doesn't, if He calls me to step out and walk on water through wind and waves which threaten to overwhelm, isn't He still with me? Isn't He still in control? Isn't He still working to accomplish His purposes? No matter what storms I come to and no matter what His response, may I ever trust the One who has authority over the wind and rain, for He has promised never to leave me or forsake me.

Poem- "You Know"

God gave me this poem a few months ago when I was going through something very painful. I didn't share it then because it was too fresh, but I share it now with the prayer that God might use it to minister to someone else as it ministered to me. 

"You Know"

No matter what heartache comes into my life,
No matter what sorrow I bear,
I'll not be shaken, though tears wet my eyes,
My Jesus, my Savior is there.

No matter what darkness hangs over my life,
No matter what suff'ring I face,
I'll rest in Your shelter, held close to Your heart,
And walk in the light of Your grace.

Your love is so great, Your compassion so tender,
Not only because I am Thine,
But because You, my King, were acquainted with grief,
And knew much darker darkness than mine.

You knew what it meant to know sorrow and heartache
While you dwelt here on this earth,
Hated by those whom You came to deliever,
Despised and rejected from birth.

You knew what it meant to lay down something precious;
You followed despite heavy cost.
You gave up Your throne, and the smile of Your Father
In exchange for the shame of the cross.

That which You gave up was wholly more lovely
Than all I can see here below,
And the anguish You suffered, the cup which You drank,
Such sorrow now I'll never know.

So may I not tremble to follow Your footsteps,
Who holds every tear I have cried,
Surrender dear dreams, and trust through the darkness,
And find true, pure joy at Your side.

Sun and Rain

Today I was reading and reflecting on Psalm 84:11a, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield..." I was thinking about all the sun does. It brings life, warmth, and light. It also brings growth. I (alas!) am no gardener, but even I know that plants thrive when they receive the proper amount of sunlight. As I meditated on the implications of those qualities, oddly enough, a line from Les Mis popped into my head: "....and rain will make the flowers grow." 

Sun and rain, both essential for any flower to reach full beauty. Some days are sunny- full of joy and peace. Life is clear, and it's easy to sense God's nearness. But what happens when the rains come? Trials, loss, struggle, feelings of emptiness... We all prefer the sun! But it is through those times that God refines us and grows us more and more into His likeness. (see 1 Peter 1:3-9 and James 1:2-4) He allows the rain of life to cultivate joy, contentment, peace, patience, and trust, to name a very few. 

On a dreary, rainy day, is the sun still there? Of course, and doing exactly what it does on a cloudless day when you can see it clearly. We walk by faith and not by sight! He promises hardship, (John 16:33) but He also promises never to leave us in it, (Isaiah 43:1-2) and to work all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose! (Romans 8:28)

What could be greater good than being made more like Him?

God so often uses music to remind me of truth, and this song has blessed me on many rainy days.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZHfv2ivUrM