From My Heart

There is so much I don't know. Life is so big, and I am so small. I look at circumstances and wonder how things can possibly work out. But you know what? I serve a big God. My Lord “upholds the universe by the word of His power.” (Hebrews 1:3)

He is bigger than everything I face.

He is bigger than all of the details which somehow have to come together just right.

He is bigger than my sinful heart, and my propensity to fail.

He is bigger than the storms.

He is bigger than the hurt.

The unknowns are big, but He is bigger.

The challenges are big, but He is bigger.

My questions are big but He is bigger.

The enemy is big, but He is bigger.

And this is the One who loves me. Who died for me. Who lives in me.

He calls me to follow, and He makes a way. Nothing is impossible for Him. How can I ever doubt, for when has He ever been anything but faithful to me? How can I not worship when I see what He has given me, in this world, but most of all in Himself? How can I not trust Him when I look back over my life and see His faithfulness again and again and again? He is God and I am not. It's only when I realize that, when I let go of control, when I am willing to not know how everything will play out, that I know I am safe.

Dear Lord, may I never want anything more than Your will, and may I never live for anything less.  

The Lock

On the door inside my room here in the village, I have a drawing of a padlock, along with the words "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work." (2 Cor. 9:8) written above. Why a lock? Because a lock has become to me a powerful reminder of something vital in my walk with Christ.
  Several years ago, while working on a CYT play, I was asked to do some team building exercises with one of the groups. Having no idea what to do, I prayed about it. By the time the evening arrived, God had given me the ideas I needed, including one I was quite excited about.
  After an activity involving a puzzle and a blindfold, I handed the girls a locked padlock, directing them to work together and get it open. They dived in with eager optimism, passing the lock around and tossing out suggestions. Some of their ideas were funny. Some were quite clever. All were wrong. I let them work at it for awhile (it was really quite amusing) and finally asked them to stop. "Do you think you can get it open?" I asked.
  Pause. "No."
  "You're right! You can't! But may I have it?" They handed it over and, turning the knob back and forth, I opened it easily. "So why was I able to open it?"
  "Because you knew the combination."
  "Exactly."
  Just like I gave them an impossible task in handing them that padlock, the task facing them in bringing the play together- memorizing, dancing, singing, conveying emotion, loving each other with the love of Christ- was impossible. At CYT we are amateurs trying to put together high quality theater, which provides plenty of opportunities to see God work. Even if they could have pulled something together, it never would have had the anointing of the Holy Spirit that we pray for. But though it was beyond their ability, it was not beyond the God who had given them that work to do in the first place. I also pointed out that, in order for the lock to be opened, they had to give it to me. I could have opened it the whole time; I would have, if they had asked me. But they had to let go, and place it in my hands. How foolish we must look, trying and trying in our own strength when the God who made the universe is waiting for us to yield control, so that He might display His mighty power on our behalf.
  There was one more thing I wanted them to see. "So the lock is open now. Would it make sense for you to go down and tell the others, 'Look, we got it open!'"
  "No."
  "Why?"
  "Because you did it," they answered.
  Seems pretty obvious. But how often do we cry out to God in desperation, then take the credit when He answers (in our hearts, if not with our words) as though we ourselves had done something grand?

In my life right now, I am facing situations which I know full well are utterly beyond my ability to navigate. More than that, Jesus Himself said, "Apart from me, you can do nothing." (John 15:5b) I can try and try, but the solution cannot be found within. It's not that I simply sit back and do nothing, for that is laziness. But only when I place my impossibilities in His hands in surrender and trust will I ever see those mountains moved. This simple illustration has had a profound impact on the way I view life. I don't know if the students remember, but I pray I never forget.
  

More Than I Can Handle

We've been in the village for a week and a half. It's definitely another world! When I look out the two screened windows in my room, I can see banana and coconut trees, pigs, chickens, roosters, a monkey tied up, water buffalo (feel free to sing the song- I certainly have!) laundry hanging, and small houses with grass or tin roofs. I sleep under a mosquito net, the roosters start crowing about 4 am or so, and keep going all day. The last week has been spent (in addition to playing games and so forth with the kids) cleaning and organizing the school room and planning for the school year.

So what has God been teaching me, you ask? (Ok, you might not be asking, but I'll tell you anyway.) Well, I'm on the other side of the world from home, I've spent a week and a half in a rural village in a foreign country with no internet (which means no contact with anyone back home), facing drawers with hiding cockroaches, a mountain of school books, and teachers manuals, and a year of teaching four children when I've never taught one subject before... yeah. There's been a whole lot of learning going on over here! Here's one thing though.

People often say that God won't give us more than we can handle. It sounds very nice and comforting, but the reality is that it's simply not true. He does give us more than we can handle because He wants us to depend on Him instead of looking within for the strength to handle it. The fact that He loves us doesn't mean that He will keep us from challenge, pain or difficulty. Rather, because He loves us, He wants us to learn to trust when we can't see, to find peace and joy in Himself, and to find that He really does give strength for the weary; that His grace really, truly is sufficient. He does give us more than we can handle, but He will never give us anything that He is not able to live through us to overcome.

I'll be honest, lately I've had way more than I can handle. There have been plenty of moments when I was stressed, overwhelmed, or lonely, and didn't know how I could keep going. In moments where I would normally go to my mom or a friend for prayer and perspective, I have been in a position where all I could do was cry out to God and trust that He is all He says He is. Again and again, I have cried out for wisdom, clarity, strength, peace, for Him to live through me and make me more like Him... It's been hard. It's been painful. But never once have I been forsaken or alone. In the times when I felt I couldn't hold on, He has been holding on to me. I've been learning, along with so many other things, faith. Trust. Hope in the One who can never fail. I'm learning that He really is enough, and no matter the cost, it's worth it.

I don't mean to sound like I've been falling apart the whole time- I certainly haven't! There have been wonderful times of laughter, fun, learning to fit into a new family, and experiencing many new things. Here are some pictures!

About to get on the helicopter

In the helicopter on the way to the village- it was amazing!

This was waiting for me in my room. Welcome to the tribe, Lindy!

Charlotte, my brave, loyal assistant in organizing/cleaning, and Ernie the cockroach. Ernie is no longer with us. Thanks Charlotte!

The school room- very definitely a work in progress.

Cockroach poop. The cockroaches in this drawer had been killed by the time I took this picture. So fun! haha

Somebody in the village found this bird and gave it to Kyle. Mom, I'm posting this for you.

A corner of the Talbot's house

Next Door

"Everybody's got a water buffalo..."

Kyle took me and Sophia on a village tour. This is the waterfall which, I believe, normally has much more water.

Learning to knit!

The school room, looking much better, but still a work in progress

School books!

Kyle working on his fort

One of the little girls in the village

Living our Faith

I wrote this quite awhile ago (March, I think). I had a lot of questions floating around in my head, and I did what is always best and what I pray will be more and more my first recourse- I prayed and searched God's Word. The following is the unedited result. I never intended to do anything with it, but I shared it with a friend a few weeks ago and she encouraged me to post it. (I believe her words were something like, "I better see this on your blog within a few weeks, or else!") So here you go.

Holiness. What is it? Some thoughts.
We are called to be holy. (1 Peter 1:15-16) So how does that work exactly? One camp looks at the fact that we are no longer under the law, but grace; the fact that we are accepted and forgiven, as freedom to do whatever we want. The problems with that are obvious. (Romans 6:15) Then on the other end there are those who try to be holy by their own effort, esteeming the commands of God and seeking to follow them on their own. This leads either to prideful self-righteousness or defeat and despair. (also see John 15:5, and look at what Jesus said to the pharisees!) Then things get less black and white. There are those who embrace the idea that holiness can only come from Christ working in us, but then see any form of discipline or pursuit of holy living as legalism. Still others become so focused on holiness that they are afraid to rest in Christ's love, even if they are seeking His strength to follow His pattern.

So where is the balance? You can't deny that we are called to holiness and perfection (Matthew 5:48) Obviously this isn't a perfection we can achieve. Our only hope is the shed blood of Christ to cover our sin. We can't meet the righteous requirements of the law, only Jesus could. (Romans 3:23-24) But this should then alter the way we live. (Romans 6:1-2, 4, 7:4) So on the one hand, the work of the believer is to believe. (John 6:29) But what is this believing? We act on what we believe. If I knew that I had inherited a fortune, wouldn't I take steps to actually possess it? If I knew that a car had been given to me, wouldn't I climb in and drive it? Belief determines action. It is not a passive knowing of fact, but a revolutionary, life-altering understanding of truth. What is it that we're believing exactly? We believe that Jesus has given us everything we need for life and godliness! (2 Peter 1:3) We're believing that we are dead to sin and alive in Christ! (Romans 6:3-4) We believe that it is no longer we who live, but Christ who lives in us! (Galatians 2:20) We believe that if we but abide in Him, we will bear much fruit! (John 15:5) We believe that His grace is sufficient for us! (2 Corinthians 12:9)

This is only a drop in the bucket. I haven't even touched the Psalms. Point being, if we step out and act on our belief it is not self-effort given the very nature of that which we are believing. If we are fully depending on His strength and not ours, we can step out in obedience and know that it is Him enabling and directing! If I make no attempt to live as He has called me, do I really believe that He will enable? It wasn't enough for Peter to say, "Yes Lord, I know You will help me." He had to get out of the boat. I'm not talking only about huge steps in life: a new job, ministry, etc. Yes, it's absolutely that, but so much more! I'm talking about every single daily step we take: choosing His way over our own, doing everything without grumbling or arguing (Philippians 2:14), Rejoicing always and praying continually (1 Thessalonians 5:16-17), not worrying (Matthew 6:34), and loving God's way (1 Corinthians 13). Again just a drop in the bucket.

Stepping forward isn't legalism- holiness in our own strength. we step forward believing that God does not lie, and believing that as we respond, He will be faithful to rule and reign, to take control as He enables us to yield. Every bit of the process is Him working through us, but we must consent, and step forward. We are not to work in our own strength, but at the same time, God is not going to just suddenly perfect His righteousness in us while we're on the couch watching movies. Paul tells the Philippians to "work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." (Philippians 2:12b-13) So yes, we work in one sense, believing all the while that it is God working through us, as we submit, for He has promised!

Poem- "Following"

This poem is the outflow of what God was teaching me during Esther.

"Following"

Lord, I want to follow You,
But I do not know the way.
Your paths are good; Your plan is perfect,
But in my own strength I can't obey.

The path is full of twists and turns
So dark I cannot see the road.
Confusion and despair surround me,
And crush me with their heavy load.

I am unable, unworthy, and helpless,
But You have said I am Your own.
You are my loving, faithful Shepherd;
I don't have to find my way alone.

In my weakness, You are mighty.
Nothing can thwart Your perfect plan.
You have promised to keep me from stumbling,
And to finish the work which You began.

I'll trust Your promise to lead and guide me;
To take my hand and be my Light;
To make the pathway straight before me,
And to lead the humble in what is right.

Lord, I want to follow You,

But I do not know the way.

I'll fix my eyes on You, my Shepherd, 

And trust Your guidance day by day. 

Lessons From a Spider Web?

God can use the most unlikely things to teach us! Last week I was facing something rather confusing, and I went to sit on the porch swing to pray about it for awhile. As I prayed, a small, beautifully made spider web caught my eye. At that moment I sensed God saying "That's significant", and I knew He wanted to tell me something about it. In the past God has often shown me truth about Himself through His creation, but He has never left me hanging like that before! I wasn't quite sure what to do, so I just waited quietly, asking Him to open my eyes to see what He wanted me to see. This is what He showed me. 

A spider web is a dangerous place, and has been the ruin of many. One wrong step and you're trapped! However, there is a way to move safely on a spider web. The only one who knows the path is the spider, because he is the one who made it. In order to navigate a spider web, you must follow the one who knows the way.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord;  teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. Who is the man who fears the Lord? Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well-being, and his offspring shall inherit the land.The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant. My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. 
(Psalm 25:4-5, 8-10, 12-15)

    

My Shepherd

Look at me.

I am but a little sheep.

Weak. Defenseless. Powerless.

Do you see these hoofs?

They are incapable of doing anything of value.

Do you see these legs?

They are completely unable to follow after the Shepherd.

Do you see this mouth?

It is only capable of a pathetic bleat.

Do you see these eyes?

They are so prone to wander and to dart about in fear.

Now forget about me.

Look at my Shepherd.

Strong. Powerful. Beautiful.

Do you see His hands?

They are quick to defend, mighty to work,

And the nail scars speak of resounding victory.

Do you see His legs?

They can go anywhere; climb any mountain standing in the way.

Do you see His mouth?

His very Word is power.

Do you see His eyes?

See how they look with love on my weakness.

Too great a love to allow me to remain that way.

Yes, look at my Shepherd.

Don't dwell on your inability; cling to His ability.

He has given all you need to follow Him.

To love Him, and to love others as He has loved you.

Look to Him and love Him on days of sunshine.

Hide under His shadow and be saved from any foe.

Move forward in His strength against the wolves.

Look at my Shepherd, and lose yourself in Him.