Reflection and Gratitude

Over 7 months since my last post... And over one month since I became a married woman. After almost 3 years together, including my 8 months in the Philippines while we were dating and his 6 months on the other side of the world while we were engaged, on January 2nd I finally became my Zack's wife. More on that later, but for now there is something on my heart.

Last night, while most of America watched the Super Bowl (or, for all of my kindred spirits, hung out with other people who also weren't watching it), Zack and I spent a quiet evening at home in our apartment. Such is the life of a student... he had the entirety of Othello to read by the next day, and so the most we experienced of the game was our neighbor's passionate commentary which made its way through the walls. Good thing we aren't football people. 

After dinner I joined him on the couch, and as a passing thought, decided to read my journal from two years ago this week. I was in the Philippines then, finishing up my visit to another village, and celebrating in my heart the one year anniversary of the day Zack asked me if I wanted to "give it a shot." One year together, more than half of it spent apart. Then another entry from two days later, his birthday... celebrated over Skype. Missing him, loving him so much from so very far away. Sharing what life and love we could over a computer screen, because that's all we had and would have for months. It's easy now to forget just how hard that was. How I would offer my aching heart to God and pray for contentment when internet issues hindered our very few hours of conversation each week. How I would daydream about just being able to hold his hand. 

As I read my own words from a very different season and remembered how I had treasured what precious little I had of him, I was struck by how profoundly poignant it was to be reading that now, two years later, sitting silently on the couch with my husband. We are now immersed in life, with all of its frustrations, uncertainties, adjustments, ups and downs. There are jobs and dishes and bills and sore throats and homework. But we are together. I could look up and see him, concentrating, trying to grasp the mysteries of Shakespeare and still finish the assignment on time. I could move my foot a few inches to touch his, knowing he'd look up and smile. These are simple, daily realities now, and so easy to take for granted. But oh, how sweet that they are daily realities. How much God has led us through to bring us here. How long we waited. And I remembered that I wouldn't trade this for anything. 

Skype two years ago

Skype one year ago

Home

New Country, Old Friends

6 years ago I was in CYT's production of "Scrooge." I was one of the Cratchit children, and a wonderful lady named Mrs. Nikki played my mom. I've enjoyed getting to know her over the years, and have prayed for her family as they adopted several children from the Philippines. That dear family moved to the Philippines less than a month before I got here! Right now, among other things, they have a learning program for special needs orphans, and their long-term hope is to begin a special needs orphanage. (If you'd like to read more about their ministry, scroll to the bottom of this post on their blog, or check out www.bartimaeusproject.org). This past week, CYT performed Scrooge for the first time since I was in it, and I'll be honest, when I found out they were going to be doing that, it launched one of my more painful periods of homesickness. God is so good to me though! This past Thursday, while the cast back home was in the midst of their final dress rehearsal, I was in the Philippines arriving at Mrs. Nikki's house, getting a giant hug, and enjoying talking about people and places we both knew. That night we even watched the old Scrooge DVD! Being with that family on this side of the world was so surreal, and I'm in awe of God's perfect timing. Whoever would have imagined 6 years ago that we'd all be here together?

I spent a week with them, and it was so much fun. I got to see areas of ministry quite different than what I've seen so far, and even participate a little. I got to spend time with some wonderful kids during their Saturday program. I had my first up-close encounter with some beggar girls, which deeply impacted me. And I saw other areas of Luzon, striking both in poverty and beauty, as we drove to visit their older son for an afternoon. It was both horizon-broadening and refreshing, and I'm deeply thankful for the blessing of time spent with old friends, even so far from home! 

The Cratchit family of 2007

6 years later, watching the Scrooge DVD with my on-stage mom and reliving old memories... and during the opening night of Scrooge 2013, no less! 

Reading to one of the Bartimaeus Project kids on Saturday

Bartimaeus kids again- such sweet girls! 

Philippine Reindeer 

Helping decorate the tree was good medicine for this girl who loves Christmas and is missing her family!

Squatter houses

More squatter houses, with Manila in the background

I've been in the Philippines for over 4 months now, and this was the first time I got around to taking a picture of a jeepney! 

Visiting their oldest son at the shelter for former street kids where he works

Home

  Yesterday morning (which was Saturday night back in NC) I had the privilege of being present at my dear friend Tori's 16th birthday party via Skype. It was a surprise for her, and while I pray it was a blessing, I realized almost as soon as I got on that the one receiving the greatest blessing was me. For about a half hour, I got to "be with" many of my very closest friends, most of whom I haven't gotten to talk to in nearly two months. It meant the world to me, and I could feel their love even though I was only looking at a blurry image on a computer screen.

  I have not been homesick too much, but after saying goodbye I ached so, so deeply. Truly, I am happy here. But I do miss home. I miss my family, CYT, and all of those I love dearly, and I've been feeling it a bit more strongly this week. Right now I am reading Hind's Feet on High Places for the third time- it's one of my favorites. Towards the beginning, the Shepherd, who represents Jesus, says, "If you would know love, you must know pain too." It's true. The reason why it hurts is because the community I have back home is a gift from God, so full of His love. This ache is a testament to the beauty of what He has given me. Hurting is not a bad thing, but I don't want to focus on it. My real home is not North Carolina. It's in Him. Home was only beautiful because He was in it, and He has promised never to leave nor forsake me. This pain is His gift to me, an opportunity to find that He really is enough. I pray for the strength to continually choose to rejoice in Him, for He is good.

"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want."
Psalm 23:1

Poem- "Blessings"

"Blessings"

Don't let another take the place
Which must be Yours alone.
Please Lord, don't let Your gifts take that
Which You, the Giver, own.

I see how richly I am blessed,
My life is full, it's true,
But these things have no worth
Unless they point my heart to You.

May I be so consumed with You
That the joys which fill my days
Just lead my heart to love you more,
And to live a life of praise.

Precious Gifts

Every once in awhile I just stop and realize how richly God has blessed me. Amid all of the struggle and confusion of life, I have so very much to be thankful for. We live in a fallen world, but however imperfect, there is so much beauty to treasure. Here are just a few of the gifts God has given me.

-My family: I love them so much. We are a quirky bunch, and differences lead to clashes at times, but as I've grown in the Lord I've grown to appreciate them more and more. My dad makes me laugh and listens when I want to talk, my mom's wisdom is invaluable, and her walk with the Lord has been an example for mine. My brothers are quite skilled at driving me crazy, but they are also some of my best friends. I pray that God continues to grow us closer together and closer to Him!

-My friends: Where even to start? God has given me friends who are serious in their walk with Him and encourage me in mine. We can laugh, talk and cry together. Honestly, I can't even express how much they mean to me. (Important note: These pictures are NOT all-inclusive! Just because you are not in one of them doesn't mean that I don't love you very much!)

Me, Barbara, Patrick, and Hope

Naomi, Annika, Kaylee, Jonathan, Julia, Zach, Joseph, me, Jamey, Melissa

Kara, me, Rebekah, Delise, Hope, Emma

 Shalea, Brie, me, Dusty, Angela, Hannah Rose, Faith, Karen

Laura, Emma, me

-Christian Youth Theatre (CYT): My second family! I'm not exaggerating when I say that God has used it to change my life. I love the acting, dancing, singing, and I love serving, working backstage, and teaching the kids, but in all of that, the best is how purposefully we seek to glorify Jesus together- to decrease that He might increase. We have such sweet times of prayer and worship, and it is through CYT that God has taught me (among so many other things) to look to Him for strength instead of myself.

Cast of Phantom of the Opera 2011

JESUS! 2011. Life changing.

The Three Bears: Phantom of the Opera 2011

-My church: This one is new. A few weeks ago, I became a member of Sovereign Grace Church. It already feels like home. Through Sunday morning and my home group; through the teaching and fellowship with other believers, I am constantly challenged and encouraged in my walk with Christ!

-Himself: The Gift above all gifts! I could go on and on. He opens my eyes to see all that He is, He fills me with a desperate longing to honor Him and then lives through me to make me more like Himself. He holds me when I hurt, guides me when I'm confused, brings me back when I stray, and loves me too much to leave me the way I am. He died for me, made my blind eyes see, lifted me out of my sin, and now calls me His own! I know with all my heart that even if all that I mentioned before were stripped away, He would be enough, for He has promised and cannot lie.

Thank you Jesus!